Mi corazón se está rompiendo!
That's right, I am heartbroken over the news of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's divorce.
The announcement appeared on Saturday and has been steadily, if indifferently, reported since. There does not appear to be any scandalous reason behind the split, though one is sure the tabloids will light up with a "Nightmare!" of some variety.
Yet, the filth press never have laced this famous marriage with acrimony - in spite of the fact that Anthony, the Grammy-winning tropical salsa king, married Lopez in 2004 less than a week after divorcing Miss Universe, Dayanara Torres.
No, his marriage to his friend (the singers recorded No Me Ames together in 1999) scarcely raised an eyebrow, even though J.Lo has a checkered romantic history of her own. And after the appalling mess that was "Bennifer," the first couple to become a pop hybrid, it was nice to see the cruel-looking, fur-wearing monster-diva settle down with a sexy musical soulmate.
We all remember Bennifer, don't we? The 2002-2004 romance involved a vulgar video ( Jenny from the Block, which featured the couple on a yacht with Ben Affleck running a proprietary finger over his fiancé's legendary butt), a six-carat pink diamond and the film Gigli.
Affleck, who went on to marry a far more conventional Jennifer, would reflect on this period as harmful to his career. Perhaps he was persuaded by the South Park parody Fat Butt and Pancake Head, an episode the show creators say was conceived when, "Everyone was hating [the couple]and we were too."
At any rate, Lopez rebounded quickly enough and, as long as she was on Anthony's tiny arm, her disquieting resemblance to Joan Crawford, her calculating eyes and incredible lack of talent seemed moot.
On American Idol this last year, every time she delicately clawed away invisible tears from the corners of her perfectly dressed eyes, one could feel Anthony in the audience, crying for her, for the huge, gorgeous ice queen he seemed to have melted.
And as to how he melted her, this was the joy of the never-synthesized Janthony or Mello: He is rough-looking, diminutive; he pales next to the big stars Lopez is surrounded by.
Why him? One is reminded of an old Eddie Cochran song about a country boy named Shorty who beats a city boy named Dan in a race for a beautiful girl, because the girl helps him win. "Well Dan had all the money, and he also had the looks," sings Cochran. "But Shorty must have had something, boy, that can't be found in books."
Cochran was cool, but even he couldn't say what Shorty had. And neither can I, but the sexual rapture between J.Lo and Anthony was palpable.
Then again, what if I am imagining this passion, what if all of us relaxed and stopped hating on the fly-girl turned hiphop-consort turned self-described collector of huge "rocks" because she married a funny-looking man and had adorable twins and stopped shoving her ridiculous wealth down our throats?
Lopez, who showed great promise as an actress in Selena (1997) and Out of Sight (1998), has not shown that promise since. She cannot sing and she dances at a Paula Abdul level, possibly lower.
Of what use is a J.Lo?
Well she is the World's Most Beautiful Woman according to People magazine. She made a sexy, popular video with the newly single William Levy (the hotly titled I'm Into You). She is a celebrity, undeniably radiant. As she declares of herself, "I have the stardom glow."
Still, if the rumours about her personality are true, she must maintain her stunning looks by bathing in blood and manicuring with shards of glass. Seen leaving Milk Studios Sunday night, her face pinched and creased with irritation, she also had the "Don't make me hurt you" glow, as reporters clamoured for the real story.
No one knows what happened between the two singers. One rumour, involving Levy, feels flimsy, and it is no consolation for me and other stricken fans who are wretchedly asking: What will become of ¡Q viva! (their new Latin-based reality singing show)? How are the twins Max and Emme dealing with all of this? Has J.Lo's ex Sean Combs called? Couldn't J.Lo have taken Marc to meet the royals at a gala for the British Academy of Film and Television Arts?
As to this last question, the story broke shortly after Lopez met the royal couple, Kate and William, without her husband, and after ordering him to stay home and watch mink-skinning videos while polishing her rubies with his tears.
I made up part of the preceding paragraph, but I will never tell: Lopez claims she keeps a list of people who treat her "unfairly" and they are "marked for death."
I hope for the inexplicably attractive Anthony's sake that he treated Miss Lopez well. How lamentably he must be playing their duet, and nodding, tearfully, in some darkened room. "Don't love me," she sings in the No Me Ames.
Why didn't he listen?