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road sage

There is a little-known law, one that holds sway over all motorists regardless of what sort of car they drive, what kind of driver they are or how much money they have. It's the called the "Law of the Missed Exit."

According to its precepts, if a driver misses his or her exit on a highway then that driver can never return. They will have missed their exit forever and there is nothing they or anyone else can do about it. Beyond that missed exit there is nothing, just an unceasing limbo where the motorist drives on forever, never reaching their destination. They are lost for all eternity.

That's why missing your exit is such a catastrophe. And that's why so many drivers who miss their exits opt to endanger themselves and others by performing a perilous last-minute manoeuvre to make their exit. They veer across multiple lanes or slam on the brakes and jerk violently into traffic in a death-defying attempt to reach the exit ramp. These drivers form the "Last Minute Club" (LMC).

Like the deadly South African boomslang snake or the dreaded Amazonian candiru fish, which can swim up a man's penis and set up house in his bladder, the Last Minute Club is a unique breed of lethal animals. But unlike the aforementioned killers, the LMC proliferate on roadways and can be found on every highway and byway. They're everywhere, all the time, trying to kill or at least maim as many innocent drivers as they can.

Some might argue that missing an exit is not a world-ending calamity. They'd suggest that throwing on your turn signal and hurling your car across three lanes of traffic that's going an average speed of 120 km/h with nary a shoulder check is an overreaction. After all, they'd say, if you miss your exit all you have to do is drive a little and get off at the next one. Then you make a few turns, get back on the highway and drive back to your exit. The entire procedure might take 10-15 minutes. Surely, they'd argue, that's better than risking a violent crash?

Easy for them to say. They're the same people who believe that, when you forget your umbrella and it begins to pour, you should seek shelter or buy a cheap umbrella rather than run around the street shrieking and waving your hands. The sort who say that if you are late for work everyday you might get fired or, if you steal, you might get caught. These are people who grasp the relationship between cause and effect. These are the sunscreen-wearers and the seat-belt fasteners.

These are not members of the LMC. They don't understand taking responsibility for missing your exit requires accepting the consequences for your actions. To a member of the LMC, this is unthinkable. They've made a mistake that could make them 10 minutes late. Rather than take culpability they prefer to make the rest of the world pay. It's far better to risk a crash in which a few drivers might die and a few cars get smashed.

Should drivers who perform the last-minute exit have their licenses revoked? Yes. Will they? No. It would be the first step down a slippery slope. Next, they'd be expecting people to take responsibility for what they say, how much they eat, how much alcohol they consume and how they behave when they consume it. And then where would we be?

So next time you're cut off and you see your life flash before your eyes, don't get mad, just give the driver a friendly wave and say, "No harm done my friend. This is the 21st century and that means even though it's your mistake, it's my problem."

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