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road sage

October is carpool month. It's an initiative launched by carpool.ca, an organization dedicated to getting drivers to consider team commuting. According to its website, the goal is "to increase carpool program awareness and encourage commuters to try carpooling."

I endorse it. Carpooling lessens traffic congestion, reduces fuel consumption and promotes conviviality. Carpooling has been around for as long as there have been automobiles; from the "jitney" ride shares that ferried citizens around San Francisco in the early 20th century to the bell-bottomed carpools of the 1970s fuel crisis, drivers have saved money and made friends by sharing rides into work. Everyone should do it.

Everyone but me.

Like many things that are good for society, carpooling sounds innocuous but has the potential to be unbearable in practice. That's because carpooling combines the tedium and aggravation of a daily commute with the excruciating awkwardness and forced small talk of a work-related cocktail party.

Commuting is awful but it has one saving grace: you're alone. It doesn't matter if you're on a subway, bicycle or in an automobile, you're not obliged to interact with anyone. If someone talks to you on public transit, you just stare back silently until they stop or are escorted away by security. That's the Canadian way. You can stay silent, play music, listen to a book or dictate haiku using voice-recognition software. No man is an island, but in a car he can be a peninsula.

When you carpool, however, you add strangers to the experience. There's "carpool etiquette" to consider. Here are some pointers, according to carpool.ca:

  • Settle on reimbursement costs in advance.
  • Establish rules for latecomers and decide how long to wait (five minutes is standard).
  • No Stopping – Anytime! The golden rule of carpooling! Your commute together serves only one purpose – to travel to and from work or school.
  • Consider the close proximity of your carpool partners before applying perfume or cologne in the morning. Many people are highly sensitive to certain smells and can become extremely uncomfortable.
  • Use common sense when making seating arrangements – big people in the front, smaller people in the back. Decide on radio use, smoking policies and other concerns before you start carpooling.

Let's get this straight. I'm giving these folks a ride and now I've got to worry about them not liking my cologne? I've got to worry about their comfort? I can't stop to get a coffee? I can't be late? I have to haggle about reimbursement costs? I haven't had one trip with these people and I already despise them.

What are they going to do when I turn on KNBR's 49ers podcast? What about my incessant swearing? I don't smoke but what if I want to start? What do these people look like? Are they attractive?

What if they aren't? Do I want to be needlessly surrounded by unattractive people? That will bring me down. Carpool? More like "carfooled."

But maybe that's just me. The testimonials on carpool.ca describe people making friends, meeting future spouses and connecting with others while contributing to the greater good.

And … strike three! I'm out!

Sorry world, but there is barely room enough in my car for me, my neurosis and my overblown ego.

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