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Tired of speeding tickets? Try trading your new Porsche Turbo for one of Peter Cheney's classic slow pokes

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The original Fiat 500. Produced between 1957 and 1975, it had 18 horsepower and a top speed of less than 100 km per hour.

Peter Cheney for The Globe and Mail/peter cheney The Globe and Mail

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Fiat 600. This was my first car, shown here in Brussels, Belgium with my father, Major Ben Cheney. The 600 had a 29 horsepower and a theoretical top speed of 110 km per hour. Reaching that number took time, skill and a tailwind.

Peter Cheney for The Globe and Mail/peter cheney The Globe and Mail

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1959 Volvo 544. The 544 was a simple, rugged car that was often used for rallying. The engine had 80 horsepower - about 40 per cent less than a current Toyota Corolla. The top speed on level ground was approximately 145 km per hour.

Peter Cheney for The Globe and Mail/peter cheney The Globe and Mail

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Ford Transit Connect. Originally designed for the European market, this boxy Ford van has considerable cargo room, along with a two-litre engine normally installed in compact economy cars. The Transit's acceleration has been described by various reviewers as "inadequate," "glacial," and "anemic." Kelley Blue Book tested the car and concluded: "If there is one weak spot for the 2012 Transit Connect, it can be found under the hood."

Peter Cheney for The Globe and Mail/peter cheney The Globe and Mail

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Triumph Spitfire Mk. IV. With the top down and the engine singing, the Spitfire created an illusion of speed, but not the reality. Top end was 150 km per hour, and zero to 100 km took nearly 17 seconds. This particular example was owned by my cousin (right side of the photo, standing next to me.) He loved the car.

Peter Cheney for The Globe and Mail/peter cheney The Globe and Mail

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1960s Mercury Comet. I learned to drive a car similar to this one back in the 1960s. To a 12-year-old boy, the Comet felt powerful and fast. It wasn't.

Peter Cheney for The Globe and Mail/peter cheney The Globe and Mail

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VW Westphalia camper van. With a 30-horsepower engine, all VW vans were slow. Adding a kitchen and bedroom didn't help. Accelerating to highway speed could take a minute or more. Top speed was listed as 109 km/hr. It was rarely achieved.

Volkswagen/Volkswagen

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The Citroen 2CV was one of the most popular cars of all time. It was also one of the slowest. The original version was equipped with a nine horsepower engine. Yes - nine.

John Rattle/Getty Images/iStockphoto

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The VW Beetle was equipped with a number of different engines during its long production run. The least powerful made 24 horsepower, yielding a top speed of less than 100 km per hour. The fastest Beetles were made in the 1970s. They had 50 horsepower, and a top speed of 135 km per hour (unless there was an uphill grade or a headwind.)

Volkswagen/Volkswagen

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Austin Healey Bugeye Sprite. The Sprite is one of the most beloved cars of all time. Its small size and open top made it feel fast. It wasn't.

Kirk Ferguson/Kirk Ferguson

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Chevrolet Sprint CL. Three cylinders, plenty of waiting.

Peter Cheney for The Globe and Mail/peter cheney The Globe and Mail

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Nash Metropolitan. Built between 1953 and 1961, the Metropolitan was advertised as "Milady's perfect companion for shopping trips." The manufacturer claimed a top speed of 130 km per hour, and a zero to 100 km/hr acceleration time of 25 seconds. After driving two Metropolitans, I can tell you that these figures are wildy optimistic.

Peter Cheney for The Globe and Mail/peter cheney The Globe and Mail

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