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The Globe’s stars and dogs for the week

stars and dogs

The Globe's stars and dogs for the week

A humorous look at the companies that caught our eye, for better or worse, this week

Canadian Dollar (Star)

My three ideas for raising the value of the Canadian dollar: 1) Put an image of a shirtless Justin Trudeau on every bill; 2) Print the 20 on THC-impregnated paper; 3) Raise interest rates. For some reason, Bank of Canada Governor Stephen Poloz went with the last option. Borrrrrrrrring!

Dollar, 78.91 cents (U.S.), up 1.31 cents or 1.7% over week.

Alimentation Couche-Tard (Star)

The difference between losers and winners is thinking big. For instance, when I go to the convenience store, I grab potato chips and People magazine. But when Couche-Tard goes to the convenience store, it buys the whole darn store. Result: I'm fat and vacuous; Couche-Tard is rich and getting richer.

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ATD.B (TSX), $61.88, up $2.60 or 4.4% over week.

Manulife Financial (Star)

Nearly 14 years ago, Manulife purchased John Hancock with one overwhelming goal in mind: To corner the market for phallus-related insurance humour. Unfortunately, the master plan hasn't worked out as well as hoped. As a result, Manulife is said to be pondering a, um, downsizing of its U.S. member. Problem solved.

MFC (TSX), $25.23, up 22 cents or 0.9% over week.

Bitcoin (Dog)

Oh, great. Bitcoin's appeal was always a mystery. But now, rival factions are warring over the cryptocurrency's future. Unless they agree by month-end, the currency we never understood could split into two currencies we'll never understand. You see the problem, don't you? Good, maybe you can explain it to me.

Bitcoin, $2,159.06 (U.S.), down $355.81 or 14.1% over week.

JPMorgan Chase (Dog)

Poor Jamie Dimon. The JPMorgan boss lit up an analysts' call on Friday with a furious tirade about how too many rules are holding back the mighty U.S. banking sector – you know, the sector that nearly sank the world into a great depression just a few years ago. Maybe he's just upset his stock isn't getting more love.

JPM (NYSE), $92.25 (U.S.), down $1.60 or 1.7% over week.

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