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A humorous look at the companies that caught our eye, for better or worse, this week

DOG: COTY

Beauty comes from the inside, Mom used to say. Then, she would put a paper bag over my head and send me off to school. I learned my lesson: This beauty thing is complicated. Like when Coty Inc. paid billions three years ago to acquire Procter & Gamble’s beauty business, because, hey, beauty is always in fashion, amahright? Turns out, maybe not. Coty just announced it was writing down its beauty biz by US$3-billion. The response was ugly.

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STAR: MARTELLO TECHNOLOGIES

Forget Kawhi Leonard. Investors are more interested in where Bruce Linton is going to land. He started the week by being given the bum’s rush from Canopy Growth Corp., the cannabis company. Bad news? Think again. Mr. Linton will now have more time to devote to Martello Technologies, another of his ventures. Once the serial entrepreneur started wearing a Martello T-shirt during TV interviews, shares jumped. And you thought pot investors were high?

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STAR: DOLLARAMA

No doubt you’ve been wondering: How do I tap into the Guatemalan consumer market? What’s the best way to grab a piece of El Salvador’s retail scene? Dollarama Inc. has the answer! The Canadian discounter is buying a majority stake in Dollarcity, a retailer with 180 stores across El Salvador, Guatemala and Colombia. Okay, maybe these countries aren’t exactly rich or peaceful. But investors seem to love the Latin expansion anyway. One way or the other, it sure adds spice.

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STAR: GERMAN 10-YEAR BOND

Mad Magazine is winding down publication after 67 years. That’s understandable. After all, how can a simple humour book compete for laughs with the German bond market? This week, yields on the German 10-year bond hit new lows, dipping even further below zero. As people line up to lose money, German bonds are more valuable than ever! What a Teutonic giggle fest! Mind you, some people figure negative yields mean the global economy is in trouble. To which I say: What, me worry?

STAR: KELLOGG

Ever since Beyond Meat, investors can’t get enough of fake beef. The mere whiff of it was enough to send Kellogg Co. shares soaring this week. Kellogg, you see, owns MorningStar Farms, maker of soy-based patties and the like. So, what if Kellogg were to take MorningStar public as an independent company? And what if it got even a fraction of Beyond Meat’s stratospheric valuation? Maybe – and let’s stress the maybe here – Kellogg would cash in on a US$5-billion payday. If it didn’t get burned, that is.

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