Skip to main content
first person
Open this photo in gallery:

ILLUSTRATION BY SANDI FALCONER

First Person is a daily personal piece submitted by readers. Have a story to tell? See our guidelines at tgam.ca/essayguide.

My work situation has swung from one end of the pendulum as a full-time working mother of three, to the other end of the pendulum as a full-time stay-at-home mother of three. This change came about not so much by choice but by circumstance. We moved to another country where I am not legally allowed to work.

The thing is, I am working – I’m just not getting paid to work. There is no compensation for meal planning and preparation. There are no vacation days accrued for countless loads of laundry washed and laundry folded. There are no peer reviews for a job well done driving to and from the hockey rink eight times a week. There are no bonuses for vacuuming and dusting every week for 52 weeks; finding missing articles of clothing; putting homework in backpacks; grocery shopping; buying presents for birthday parties; making doctor and dentist appointments; filling in permission slips; buying materials for projects; and there are definitely no sick days.

As a society, we tend to measure our value through compensation in the workplace – salary, vacation, health benefits, stocks, shares and bonuses. We also place a high value on the thought leadership, intellect and experience of those who have an incredible amount of power and influence over a great number of people. We listen to them with rapt attention as they do their TedTalks on transformation and innovation. We hang on their every word as they tell us about how to grow, to adapt, to “disrupt.” We gasp at their six-, seven- or eight-figure net worth.

No one wants to hear a TedTalk from a woman who gave up her career to follow her husband to another country for his career. Where are the lessons learned and inspirational stories in that?

Well, what about the thought leadership of those who raise children to be the next leaders of society? Would you listen to a TedTalk from a mom who seamlessly transitioned three children into new schools, new hockey teams, found new doctors and dentists and how she taught them about resilience in the face of adversity? Would you listen to my stories of comforting a teenaged boy who felt socially isolated and disenfranchised when his parents uprooted him from the only home he’d ever known? Or be interested in how I fill the hours between 9 and 3 on weekdays? It’s riveting, I tell you!

How do we as a society measure the value of the work done in the home? Simple answer: we don’t.

Have you heard a child say “when I grow up I want to be a stay-at-home mom/dad”? Do you consider that an ambitious goal? How might you react to such a statement? Would you encourage the child to reconsider? Tell them that’s not a “real” job? I know I never considered being a stay-at-home mom when I was a kid. Sure, I wanted to be a mother one day, but I had big plans. I was going to “have it all”!

It’s no wonder that I struggle with my current professional status (or lack thereof) and question the value proposition. I’m used to getting a paycheque. I have been financially independent since I was 18. This is the first time in my adult life that I have not earned my keep in dollars and cents. It is unnerving, uncomfortable and uncharted territory. It is change on a scale I have not experienced before. But it is not unemployment.

So, I spend my husband’s earnings on the household necessities and, yes, I feel a bit guilty doing so without making my own contribution to the finances.

Don’t get me wrong: My husband and kids appreciate what I do for them and say so on a daily basis, but it’s me who wonders if that’s enough. Do I need more than the recognition of my family to feel valued? Do I need a paycheque to legitimize the work that I do every day? This is the internal debate that rages within me.

My husband and I have had many discussions about the predicament I find myself in. He is incredibly supportive and rhymes off all the amazing things I do to support our family. And yet, I find myself responding by quoting Tragically Hip lyrics, “no one’s interested in something you didn’t do” when I think about all the missed opportunities to advance my career outside the home.

My career has been stunted three times before by the birth of our three children so it’s not as though I am completely unfamiliar with the concept of staying at home. But this time it’s different. What is my value proposition? How can I leverage that while I’m at home and where will it take me next? How do I stay relevant and marketable when the time comes to re-enter the workforce?

I don’t have the answers, but I’m searching for them. I have my moments of resentment. I’ll be standing at the sink washing a mountain of pots and pans seething with anger wondering how my two degrees and 20-plus years of work experience got me here.

What I do know is this: My life, my career, my time on this Earth is in constant motion and forever changing. True, I’m not comfortable with the change I’m experiencing at the moment, but I know it won’t last. I’m adapting, I’m growing, I’m figuring out who I am and what matters to me. And I’m okay with that.

Dorin Greenwood now lives in San Jose, Calif.

Follow related authors and topics

Authors and topics you follow will be added to your personal news feed in Following.

Interact with The Globe