A reader writes:
I am a twice-divorced woman, early 60s, who lives alone and loves it, and didn't date for a decade. I have been dating a really nice man for 1½ years, who wants us to move in together. He, too, is twice-divorced. I love him, but he's a romantic who still believes in marriage, whereas I need solitude to re-energize. How does one balance having a love life with one's own needs? He's not interested in having a place nearby, it's all or nothing. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to lose me either. Help.
Keep your space
Of course he wants to get married: a friend, housekeeper, cook, and at his age, a nurse all in one package! As a result of the male biology, he can easily tune out the world and be alone whenever he wants. As females, our biological predisposition is such that not only are we are aware of everyone around us at all times but also how they feel and what they need. It's exhausting. We need our space, literally. Has he not heard of the new LAT relationships - live apart together?
Tess Madigan, Fredericton
Proceed with caution
Eighteen months in, and this guy is demanding that you give up the freedom and autonomy that you thrive on because he likes to play house? That's not romantic - it's needy and controlling. Keep your sanctuary of solitude, and see how things look once the blush of newish romance has worn off.
Lynne Wright, Montreal
Demand alone time
I, too, am very much a solitude-needer. Moving in with my (now) husband, I explained that I needed alone time. It took some convincing that it wasn't anything to do with him and I paraphrased from a short story: 'I crave quiet like others crave chocolates.' It also took him a while to really enjoy - without guilt - making his own plans and leaving me blissfully by myself.
Kathy Kastner, Toronto
The Final Word
If you've been married two times you know better than anyone what you need to thrive in or out of a relationship. The question isn't: "how to balance a love life with one's own needs?" Because that makes it sound like the two things - couplehood and personal satisfaction - exist in opposition to each other, which is something of an outdated idea, particularly for women. The real question is: "What are my needs?" Followed by: "Does my love life adequately meet them?"
Another outdated idea is Tess's notion of male and female 'biology'. Apparently when mother nature endows you with a hairy chest, you also develop a complete indifference toward your fellow beings, whereas if your chest comes in the lumpy variety, you're a veritable raw nerve, pulled in all directions by an innate desire to frenziedly coddle, soothe and comfort any schmo with whom you happen to be sharing the sidewalk.
The truth is simply this: You're you and he's him. You're both long-time players in the game of love and, after two marriages each, you've developed your own set of hopes and expectations for round three. I don't agree with Lynne that your man-friend is being overly controlling - he's simply articulating how he'd most like to be with you. But one set of needs shouldn't have to give way to the other.
If you don't want to lose him and he doesn't want to lose you, make that your first principle: We don't want to lose each other. Then, the negotiation can begin: But - your independence is important to you. The next move is his. If he comes back with: It's all or nothing, you're done. There's nowhere to go - it amounts to a negation of what you've stated is a priority, which doesn't bode so well for the life together of hearts and rainbows he claims he wants. Otherwise, start again at square one: We don't want to lose each other - repeat until you reach a comprise that leaves both of you feeling respected.
A reader writes:
During a recent business trip to France, I purchased a Christmas gift for my wife - a very tasteful (and expensive) lingerie set. But when she opened it, she appeared to be disappointed and has yet to wear it. While we live in a rural area and she does not have many opportunities to wear it on a day-to-day basis, I am still hurt that she has not even taken the tags off of them, much less worn them on some quiet cold winter night to take the chill off the air. Did I make a mistake? Perhaps she feels I was giving this gift "for me." If so, what do I do now? I did have the best intentions. Should I raise this issue with her or let it go?