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We invited readers to anonymously share how they've been affected by infidelity. Hundreds replied, and some agreed to discuss their experiences, without revealing identifying details. This is one:
Marriage seems to be this one situation where you must be all things to another person, bar none. You have to be the ultimate sexual partner and completely faithful and completely loving and completely supportive. You have to fulfill all their requirements for a soulmate and they must be all things to you. And that just doesn't exist in any other relationship.
How can one person meet every possible need that you have?
My husband and I got married young. In our late 30s we were beginning to see a wave of friends breaking up and some of it was related to sexual incompatibility. I think it was my husband who actually said, "I would never throw away a perfectly good marriage over something as kind of silly as infidelity."
But neither of us at the time were really comfortable having an open or polyamorous (or however you want to phrase it) relationship. That's just not where we were emotionally.
Later, I embarked on a long-term affair with someone I know. It wasn't just a sexual thing. There was an emotional connection as well. For the first couple of years of that relationship I had what I would refer to as a "don't ask, don't tell" situation with my husband. We decided that wasn't really working. It's complicated when you have a tacit agreement you may be unfaithful in the confines of your marriage. It creates some logistical complications.
About 18 months ago we entered into a more conventional open relationship. It was acknowledged that I had had several other partners and a long-standing additional partner that I remain involved with.
My husband and I have always had a very close relationship. We're extremely interdependent. We've always had a profoundly respectful relationship. I truly like my husband as a person. It's not just that I love him. He's a decent and honourable person.
I've had people throw back at me, "Your husband could be sleeping with other women, and if he's sleeping with other women how would you feel about that? You'd be upset." And I've always said, no, when that happens for him I'm pleased for him. I'm happy that there's someone else out there who appreciates him for the wonderful person he is.
We didn't start our relationship this way. At no time was it ever uncomfortable. It was a series of explorations and conversations that took place over a long period of time.
More recently I've maintained an occasional relationship with a couple because that was something I wanted to experience. They are a couple I have a lot in common with, for obvious reasons, and they're people that I feel secure with and on a personal level I really quite like.
I have a family, I have been involved with people who tend to have families. Spending time with other people tends to be self-regulating. First and foremost you have obligations to work and family. I can't drop my obligations to those people who are important to me and indulge in these activities. They have to happen at a time and place that is appropriate and convenient.
It might be once every couple of weeks or once every couple of months or sometimes there will be a longer period of time that goes by. And then, is it a stop-by after work or is it an occasional dinner with this person or a trip away? It happens in all iterations.
One of the benefits of being open is that you can negotiate your time. If it's not good for the other person, it's important to know.
My husband and I have never been particularly jealous people. We genuinely like each other, so you want the other person to be happy and fulfilled. If you know that your partner is a decent, loving, affectionate person who supports you when you need them to, then what's there to be jealous of if they want to spend their time with someone else?
I am extremely aware, though, that the majority of people are not on board with this view of the world. So I'm very cautious with casual acquaintances, very cautious around work and very cautious with anything to do with my family.
There are always challenges because you're living under the pressure of a conventional world that says this stuff is not healthy. There's that anxiety that this is a very secretive way to live. It can be very lonely. People that I work with every day don't know me at all. And they would hate me if they knew.
But not everything has to be a cautionary tale. In some ways, being in an open relationship puts your marriage front and centre. As soon as you have to negotiate for time and you have to be open, you have to be very, very considerate of that person's feelings and impressions and their sense of security. It makes me feel very strongly that I have to be very diligent and mindful about making my family feel secure. I'm living a compromised life in the sense that I'm dividing my sexual attention between more than one person. I don't want my husband feeling insecure. I don't want him to feel neglected.
There's this sense of being way more aware of the importance of investing in my marriage. And it also makes me feel very appreciative of my husband's sensitivity and his patience and his openness. And I feel I have to pay that back.
– As told to Dave McGinn