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Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom.

A reader writes: My girlfriend and I, both 50, have dated for two years. We live an hour apart by plane, and I do most of the travelling, as she has full custody of her boys, aged 14 and 17. She initially spent some time with my nine-year-old son (I have shared custody), but now avoids it. She says he is spoiled and badly behaved, and that he has two loving parents and therefore she doesn't need to get involved, and that being around him would sap the energy she reserves for us. I agreed to these terms, but I don't know if I can continue. I help her with her teens all the time. Is it realistic to be in a relationship with a woman who doesn't want to be involved with my child?

Change up

Simplest question yet. You can always get another girlfriend. You can't replace your son.

Peter Dedes, Kitchener, Ont.

Give her space

In another few years, your girlfriend will probably have an empty nest, whereas you have a much longer span of intense parenting ahead. Teenaged sons are an exhausting proposition for a single mum (I know, I was one), and as unpalatable as it is, I applaud her honesty. Children do grow up, and we are left with the rest of our lives.

P. E. Walker, Stratford, Ont.

Push her to get involved

I became involved with my husband when his son was 9 and I tried very hard to engage with him, but I wasn't sure how much our relationship meant to him. Then we were at a party attended by his dad's ex-girlfriend, who had ignored him for six years. He took my hand then, and we are now very close, 20 years later. All kids deserve to be loved. If she's in it for the long term, ask her to find a way to engage with him.

Bev Dywan, Toronto

THE FINAL WORD

This is one of those situations where no matter how much of a Judge-Judy-like arbitrator I want to be, my innate, namby-pamby moral relativism keeps getting in the way. Damn it all, I agree with everybody - you each make excellent points. How will I ever land a gig on Sun TV at this rate?

Initially, I agreed with Peter. Girlfriends come and go but you've only got one son. He's just 9, meaning it's not realistic to expect you to keep your romantic and domestic life in two separate, hermetically sealed spheres. The thing about relationships is, the stronger they get, the more rapidly the realm of romance starts to overlap with the domestic. I don't see, therefore, how your relationship can grow and flourish without including your son.

Reading P.E.'s response, however, I realized I've known people in the same situation as your girlfriend. They have their own domestic worries, and the prospect of shouldering an unwanted share of co-parental responsibility can feel like the straw that broke the camel's back. Things get even trickier when one partner looks askance at the parenting style of another. If your girlfriend thinks your son is a spoiled brat, it's no wonder she's not willing to take up even a corner of the stepmom-mantle. She feels you and your ex have created a problem child and now you want to make it her problem. Yet as "Dad's girlfriend," she'll be taking on a mother's responsibility without any of the true authority, let alone maternal connection that makes such drudgery worthwhile.

But Bev's response, in its sweetness, has inspired this proposal for compromise. I suggest you ask your girlfriend if she is willing, at least, to be your child's friend. Assure her you don't require that she parent the boy - and (this is key) mean it. She's correct when she says he has two loving parents whose job it is to do the heavy-lifting - don't expect meal-making, shenanigan-scolding or drives to soccer from your girlfriend. Simply ask, for now, that she give your son a chance.

Lynn Coady is the award-winning author of the novels Strange Heaven and Mean Boy, with another one currently in the oven.

Next week's question

A reader writes: My husband is really messy. He does grocery shopping and ferries our three kids around, but the housework falls to me, and what I really hate is picking up after him. He leaves a trail of stuff from the moment he walks in ... coat here, socks there, keys, etc. Talking about it hasn't helped. Early in our relationship we fought a lot (about other stuff) and I love the peace we have now. How can I handle this in an adult way that brings real change?

Let's hear from you

If you would like to participate, e-mail us at grouptherapy@globeandmail.com. All questions are published anonymously, but we will include your name and hometown if we use your response (it will be edited).

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