The question
After a whirlwind romance, and an amazing wedding, full of fun, laughter, dancing and great food, my boyfriend (now husband) and I went on our honeymoon, to Paris – which should have been romantic, right? But it was horrible. We fought the whole time – about money, where to go, what to do, even about the weather. It came to the point where I didn't even want to have sex with him any more! Now I'm worried this is what our marriage will look like for the rest of our lives. That we'll be bickering and arguing all our lives and not having sex. Needless to say I don't want that. What can I do to prevent it?
The answer
It's a big question – how to have an harmonious marriage – and few achieve it, and I can only give broad strokes in the space allotted obviously.
But first I want to say: I had a horrible honeymoon, too. I even wrote a chapter about it titled "Our Horrible Honeymoon" in my book Housebroken.
We had a small baby in tow. My wife, Pam, had been pregnant at the wedding, and the volleyball under her shirt had become a basketball, then a medicine ball, then our first-born, Nicholas.
Also, as a cost-cutting measure, we stayed with a friend of hers, whom she hadn't seen in a long time. So they bonded and chatted and laughed and meanwhile this baby needed to be looked after so sometimes she would turn to me and say something like: "Dave, could you maybe like take Nick for a walk?"
And I'd push the stroller around with Nicholas in it and seethe, steam and stew. I was the fifth wheel on my own honeymoon! But I wouldn't worry too much about it. Weddings are tricky. Honeymoons are tricky. There are a lot of decisions to be made, and usually as a couple you are new to making mutual decisions and having to negotiate all that.
The trickiness of honeymoons is particularly underrated, I feel, because it's supposed to be so romantic but meanwhile there's all the hassle of travel, of staying in a strange place, in a strange bed, being fleeced and shaken down by snickering locals.
(Example: Did you have a glass of wine on the Champs Élysées? Dollars to doughnuts it cost you at least €60.)
So don't worry about it too much. Lousy honeymoon doesn't necessarily equal lousy marriage. Pam and I have been, I'd say, very happily, even ecstatically, married for 25 years. It's been fun! So as the British slogan from the Second World War put it: "Keep calm and carry on."
As to the second aspect of your question – how to have a happy marriage – well, as I say that's a big one. I have literally thousands of observations and space is limited so I can only give you a few of the headlines with maybe a word or two of explication:
Don't fight
Don't get me wrong. I've fought mightily with my wife. She's thrown me out of the car in the middle of nowhere. I've packed my bags on more than one occasion. But hear me and hear me well: I can no longer remember what any of those fights was about.
Well, I remember what one was about: a tomato. I thought it was done, an ex-tomato, should be tossed in the composter. She thought it could be saved and used in a pasta sauce. I wound up on the couch.
Just saying it pays to remember: Almost nothing you fight about will matter in the long run.
I learned a lesson from my mother at one point: She and I would lock antlers frequently, then, at a certain point, she just stopped taking the bait (horrible mixed metaphor, I know). Just don't take the bait!
Try to be as helpful as you can
I kick myself over this one. Have I always been as helpful as I could've been? Maybe not. But I vow to be from now on – and I've seen a lot of relationships founder on this one. Especially when there are little kids involved. Women begin to mutter their husbands are "useless," next thing you know he's in a hotel room with a flashing neon sign outside with one letter shorted out: HOT–zzt–L, HOT–zzt-L …
Well, I'm running out of real estate. Mutual respect is huge, obviously. Communication. Sex is obviously too complex and fraught an issue to get into here, but suffice to say it's better if you have it (and you'll be more tempted, you'll find, when he does offer help).
Anyway, bonne chance. Be nice to each other. Seems like a trite note to end on but a lot of marriages I've seen have ended over too many mean things said.