Welcome to Sex Qs, a weekly column where The Globe's Amberly McAteer seeks answers to your sex questions, talking to sexperts and regular Canadians alike. Have a question? Fire away: sexquestions@globeandmail.com (All questions will be published anonymously.)
The question: I've been married to my wife for 10 years – we have two kids and I'd say we are still a great couple. The hot sex has fizzled (with two moves, job changes, babies, etc.) It's always the same position, every time, and lasts for 10 to 15 minutes about once a week. We've been throwing the idea of a third person into the mix for quite some time. It's something we've both joked about, but lately she's talked about where we find the third person and the logistics of how we would ask – which really excites me. Am I messing with fire here? Should I leave this alone or do you think a third person can spice it up for us?
The answer: "There was so much rubbing and tugging and pulling and licking and kissing, I just couldn't keep up."
This statement, straight-faced from a dear friend, is what caused me to smash a bottle of red on my condo floor, after I quizzed my friends in the name of threesome research. It was girl's night: typically very loud, gossipy evenings involving wine, pizza, cutest Blue Jays player battles – standard girl talk.
Sherise, the Samantha to my Carrie, jumped right in with that admission, and there went the vino. The idea of more than one extra person in my bed has never appealed to me; the logistics of sex with one person can be complicated enough.
But not for Sherise, who had thought, "the more the merrier, like a party." She'd been dating her man for six months – the sex was good, she liked him a lot – when one night, while heavy on tequila and Rock Band, she turned around to see him kissing her roommate on the couch.
"It was hot and they pulled me in to the makeout session."
But soon, Sherise says, her "girl brain" kicked in and she started overthinking it. "It was like having one plug and two outlets," she says. Her mind went into high gear: Was her roommate bisexual all this time? Had the two of them kissed before? Whose hand was that?
"I kept leaving for smoke breaks because it just was too much."
What's worse, Sherise says, the roomie moved out in less than a month. And her relationship fell apart quickly because "regular sex" felt lacklustre after the threesome. "We couldn't go back to just having the ice cream when we had tasted the super-hot full-on dirty sundae."
While it made for an excellent story, Sherise says her tale should serve as a cautionary tale: "Can he handle seeing his partner naked with someone else? I couldn't. Some things you can't un-see."
She now has a strict two-person maximum in her bedroom, but apparently it was a mistake in planning, not execution: Not having a full game plan is one mistake many "threesome virgins" make, according to Vancouver sexologist Dr. Renee Lanctot.
She sees hundreds of clients, and says group sex is a popular question for couples looking to add heat between the sheets.
"Most aren't ready for it," Lanctot says. "You have to talk and talk and talk about it before it happens: Is kissing allowed? Is penetration? What are you willing to do and not do? Will there be multiple condoms? Hand washing in between?"
I stop her mid-uncomfortable sentence. Isn't this too many cooks in the kitchen? Too many men on the ice? Where would all those limbs go? And would everyone sleep, post-coitus?
Lanctot calls me a priest and says if the couple is strong to begin with, a threesome can actually strengthen the intimacy.
If you feel ready for it, she advises finding a stranger at a sex club or through online classifieds ("Craiglist is the place for booty calls!") so you don't mix friendships with bedroom buddies.
"When you talk about it afterward with your partner, that's what can be really nice. If you say, 'When she kissed you, it was so nice to see the abandon in your eyes,' that brings you closer."
To me, this sounds like you're going from zero-spice straight to burn-your-face-off jalapeno hot sauce.
If this is your first foray into "spicing it up" after a decade of good sex, start slowly. Instead of a sex club, how about a good sex shop? Get rid of the kids for an afternoon and take your wife on a shopping spree in a store with knowledgeable, open employees, because a good sex toy sounds like the bedroom buddy you actually need.
Then, go out for dinner, get a hotel room – and play. That, my friend, should be just the right amount of spice and everything nice.
Amberly McAteer