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Next up: Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron star in a blockbuster reality spectacle called the Ultimate Revenge!

That's the Hollywood gossip as the two exes go head to head at the Oscars, vying for top honours for their films. Ms. Bigelow's The Hurt Locker and Mr. Cameron's Avatar are each nominated for nine Academy Awards, including the all-important best picture and best director. And in the run-up to the film industry's biggest night, Ms. Bigelow, whose gritty drama on Iraq was considered the underdog to her ex's $300-million (U.S.) animated cultural phenomenon, is gaining momentum. The Golden Globe went to Avatar but then, this past Sunday, The Hurt Locker won six British BAFTA awards, including best director and best film.

The Oscars is the final scene in a battle of the exes that has many rubbing their hands with gleeful anticipation: Will the self-professed "king of the world" have that smug smile of his wiped from his face? Will the quiet grace of Ms. Bigelow finally put him in his place? (And did you notice she looks so much younger than he does, even though the 58-year-old is three years older than her ex?)

The chatter is a reflection of the relentless who's-up-who's-down comparison that many onlookers and former spouses engage in. Ms. Bigelow and Mr. Cameron, who were married from 1989 until 1991, speak glowingly of each other and pose on the red carpet together, but even if they get along well and express no ill will toward each other, few commentators believe they don't secretly want to trounce their ex.

Maybe it's just normal. But is it healthy to be constantly measuring the state of one's life against that of the person whose world you once shared? And how true is the assumption that revenge and vindication are always part of a couple's post-divorce relationship?

"One spouse always fares better than the other after divorce," a now-remarried male friend of mine said once. What he meant is that marriage is a stabilizing force, a safe boat on the uneven surface of life, and that once it's abandoned, one survivor often figures out how to swim while the other sinks.

To make matters worse, divorce creates stormy seas - at least in the short to medium term - and not everyone navigates them successfully. Some make poor, precipitous decisions, such as entering an ill-advised rebound marriage. Or they descend into depression and isolation or self-destructive behaviour.

Consider the example of the late Diana, Princess of Wales. Once a fairytale bride, she became a wobbly divorcee, flinging herself into romances many considered unsuitable. Her ex, meanwhile, got to simply continue his life as it had always been - as heir to the throne.

The financial hit of divorce can also significantly impact the outcome of each ex. I've heard ex-husbands complain about the amount of spousal and child support they pay. They watch their former wives enjoy a better lifestyle with anger and resentment. "While she's cavorting on holiday with her new boyfriend, I'm eking out a life in a basement apartment," one ex told me a few years ago. And of course, the plight of single mothers who live without enough support (if they get any) is a long-standing and unfortunate part of the divorce culture.

The disparity between the lives of exes can be like the board game Snakes and Ladders. The who-left-whom factor can sometimes determine whether one climbs and the other slides. "People whose spouses decide to leave are often left feeling worse, with more time needed for recovery, as they feel that it wasn't their choice. They're often in a kind of shock, and it can be very, very hard to get over," notes Rochelle Thompson, a marriage and family therapist in Toronto. "If the split is by mutual agreement, then often it's easier on both."

The leaver (as opposed to the leavee) has a kind of momentum, propelling her into a new life she may have planned (and imagined) for a long time before springing the news on her husband that she was bolting. The ex of a woman I know expressed utter dismay and confusion when she told him their marriage was over after almost 20 years. "I had no idea we had a problem," he told her. A successful executive, she planned years before when she would leave - as soon as all the children had flown the nest. When she finally pulled the plug, she knew exactly what she wanted from the marital home (very little, as it turned out) and where she would look for her own place.

In the immediate aftermath of divorce, comparison with the ex may be inevitable. And many therapists say that the anger and hurt are important parts of the grieving process. "I tell my clients not to make more of the pain but not to make less of it either," says Deborah Brakeley, a Vancouver-based counsellor and collaborative divorce coach. "You have to work through the pain." One of the important and helpful coping strategies is to have "a paradigm that gives meaning to life," she says. "The greater the ability to identify with the larger picture, the less connected you feel to the hurt and anger. I like the Buddhist philosophy," she says, citing the book Storms Can't Hurt the Sky: The Buddhist Path through Divorce.

But even when time has passed and a divorce figures in one's past like a old injury, the scar from which has faded, it is not uncommon to hear former spouses tell a story about their exes with a hint of vindication in their voices. He lost his job. Or he got divorced again. Maybe she spent her way foolishly through her handsome divorce settlement. The ex who talks about the misfortune of her former partner gloats a bit. There's a sense that she's saying, "See? His poor outcome only proves what I was dealing with all those years I was married to him."

But for others, the post-divorce life of their former spouse becomes simply a mild curiosity. "You get to the point where you do not wish bad things for the other," Ms. Rochelle says. "And if a former spouse doesn't thrive, you have regret for their misfortune as you would for any other person. You don't have revenge. You don't have to feel that one of you has to be down for the other to feel up. You learn to be okay in and of yourself."

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