Hannah Montana, the bubbly, fun, wholesome American teen pop idol, died Sunday night during the MTV Video Music Awards after losing a long and courageous battle with Miley Cyrus. She was 14 or 15 or thereabouts.
The official cause of death has been listed by the coroner's office as "complications from being normal," but insiders say the cheerful, family-loving idol to millions of young girls ultimately died of shame and neglect. Others referred to it as a "public execution."
According to witnesses, the death occurred when Miley Cyrus, 20, joined Robin Thicke for a rendition of his smash-hit homage to the patriarchal hegemony, Blurred Lines, during the VMAs. Cyrus, wearing a skin-coloured latex bikini, ground her twerking derriere into Thicke's groin, patted his nether regions with a foam finger, used the same foam finger to replicate a tumescent male penis, stuck her tongue out about six times too many and generally pranced around with the clunky and airless charm of a 75-year-old woman who lives her entire life without ever doing anything naughty and suddenly throws her reputation out the window during one bad moment at a wedding reception.
Viewers watching her performance who were not paralyzed by shock tweeted such words as "disgrace," "uncomfortable" and "mortification," and asked fellow tweeters to remind them to never let their children go into show business. Others urged her to "THINK OF THE CHILDREN!"
People close to Hannah Montana say they knew she was doomed as many as four years ago when Cyrus, then 16, pole-danced during the Teen Choice Awards. Her fate was sealed as Cyrus continued to distance herself from her Disney alter ego and began wearing clothes during her concerts that were more Madonna than Snow White.
Tributes have been pouring in for Montana since her death. "Miley Cyrus gyrating with a man old enough to be her dad is the closest thing to terrorism I have ever experienced. I miss Hannah Montana," wrote one fan.
"Miley Cyrus perfoming on VMA. I was shocked. She was a great singer and actress. Was. RIP Hannah Montana. RIP childhood," said another.