Skip to main content
claudia dey's group therapy

Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.

A reader writes: Almost two years ago, my husband and I banned his parents from driving our now seven-year-old daughter in any car, because of serious health and judgment issues. The ban has caused a rift between our families. We recently caught my father-in-law driving my daughter, and then they attempted to lie to us about it. Not a single visit goes by without one of them getting a dig in about the driving. Things blew up last week. The end result was my father-in-law saying, for the third time, that he never wants to see my husband again. We have given them opportunities to earn our trust back, but they only get more angry and resentful. What do we do? We feel hurt, betrayed, confused and very angry. They say that they would lay down their lives for our daughter, but they won't give up the privilege of driving her.

Offer them some help Two years ago you were concerned enough about the grandparents to stop them driving your child, and yet you are not advocating trying to stop them driving at all. Are you not concerned about their welfare or that of the child on the street? If their driving skills are that poor you need to help them make that choice. However, grandparents are an important part of our lives and to deprive your child of them is going to hurt her. Your husband should have a hard talk with his parents about his concerns and help them get medical attention and get retested for their licences. He should tell them how much he values their lives and help them with the transition to taxis or a hired driver.

- Pat Strizic, Toronto

Call it quits As your in-laws have openly defied your wishes and then acted deceitfully, you are well within your rights to curtail non-supervised visits between them and your daughter. As to your father-in-law's threat (his third) never to see your husband again, it is clear he lacks follow-through so it should not be given much merit. Your in-laws cannot abide by the rules you have reasonably set out with respect to the health and welfare of your daughter. Your mandate - and this is non-negotiable - is to protect her. End the relationship. If they choose to spend their remaining days angry, bitter and isolated, so be it. They made that choice when they decided to openly defy your wishes.

- James Harrison, Toronto

Take the long view Few intergenerational issues are as loaded as this. But by setting your family boundaries you have already succeeded in performing the hardest task in the process. Enforcement? Well, that should be relatively easy: I'm guessing she won't be getting into the car with them as you have already found a new babysitter. The fact that you are in open confrontation about this may not seem like the good thing it really is. It's out in the open. You are fighting. They are not speaking to you. As for excommunication: That is awful and all about dominance and control. Keep the topics separate. Don't take that bundle into your suitcase. Be kind but don't cave because your responsibility is to the future, not the past. - Frances Jones, Victoria

The final word

Dear Back Seat Driver,

From hurricanes to poisonous mushrooms, the world appears a pop-up of potential disaster for even the most tempered parent. I can only imagine what prompted you to ban your father-in-law from driving your daughter in the first place. Is he reckless, half-blind? And, given his recent transgression - not only disobeying your clearly articulated rules, but lying about his contravention - can you ever forgive him his faults?

Your daughter's safety is your utmost priority - whatever the cost. You take risks in her stead; given your circumstances, these risks range from a temporary suspension of politeness to an indefinite cessation of the relationship with your father-in-law. How to proceed?

First, prepare for a conversation with him. Sit down with your husband, air your rage and exasperation, and then, with a sprinter's focus, determine the necessary revision to the rules already established. Your daughter's well-being is your finish line. That said, on the way, please heed the salient point made by Taxis Strizic: Broaden your perspective and weigh the safety of others.

Despite the severity of your father-in-law's deception, you do not want, at this juncture, to forfeit your daughter's relationship to her grandfather. You simply want to keep her safe. I disagree with End Harrison: Estrangement is difficult if impossible to recover from. As Be Kind But Don't Cave Jones acrobatically posits: "your responsibility is to the future not the past."

Meet with him. Keep your emotional cards close to your chest; like fireworks and arias, they will only detract from the matter at hand. Present your template for the immediate future. Visits will occur on your home turf; his has proven to be dangerously unpredictable. Moreover, you or your husband will be present.

There is no negotiating. Short of declaring his banishment, this is your solution. Through it, you achieve two things: You support your daughter's relationship with her grandfather by encouraging their time together - and you keep her out of harm's way. Back Seat Driver, once your father-in-law grasps your intentions, surely he will recognize them as his own.

Claudia Dey's first novel, Stunt, was published last year by Coach House Books. Her website is ClaudiaDey.com

Next week's question

A reader writes: The woman I'm with is brilliant, fun, and above all, kind. She leaves me wanting in no way but one: She's beautiful - stunning, even - but remains in what I can only describe as a state of childhood when it comes to style. She hides her wonderful curves and seems to gravitate to dressing either like a librarian twice her age or an awkward teenager wearing hand-me-downs. Sexiness is something she avoids. Shamefully, I find myself stealing glances at other women who are more put together and exude more sexiness. My problem is that I love this girl for her mind. Yet for this reason I find my irrational desires, such as wishing she would try to be more sexy more often, weighing heavily on me. Is there a solution? Can I ask her to dress with more panache? Or should I just count my blessings?

Do you have an answer to this question, or a dilemma of your own that you'd like readers to help solve? Weigh in at grouptherapy@globeandmail.com , and please include your full name and hometown. (We will not print your name if we publish your personal dilemma.)

Interact with The Globe