If there was any doubt that Christmas shopping is a potentially hazardous activity, RCMP in Richmond have confirmed it.
This week the detachment issued a news release with the headline "Christmas Shopping Safety."
It is, in their words, a guide to avoiding "heartache and disappointment" at Christmas. As if.
I'll spare you from having to wade through the pages and pages of densely worded cop-speak. Instead, I've boiled it down to its salient points, and included a few thoughts of my own.
1) Shopping malls tend to become busier at this time of year. It is not a good idea to abandon your children in a toy store or video arcade while you shop. Should you decide to do this, give them several rolls of quarters, and have a plan that will reunite your family when the shopping is done. If your children are angry with you, buy them ice cream.
2) It is also a bad idea to leave your children unattended in a shopping cart, even if they are strapped in. They may attempt to struggle free, or tip over the cart as they lunge for the last Twilight Eclipse Shirtless Jacob Barbie. Convince them that a shirted Edward is just as good. Better, even.
3) Pickpockets and thieves are everywhere. Men, tuck your cash and credit cards into the front of your underwear. Remove cash carefully, one note at a time only. Avoid coins. Ladies, do not tie your purse strap around your neck. Avoid revolving doors since thieves can trap you inside while they make their escape and laugh and point at you through the glass as they do.
4) When paying for your purchases, have your method of payment at the ready. Do not express surprise when the cashier informs you that the items you have just purchased will actually cost money and only then begin searching through your giant Mary Poppins carpet bag to locate your wallet. Doing so will protect you from the long line of people behind you who are now plotting new and creative ways to kill you.
5) Do not leave the thousands of dollars of high-tech stuff you've just purchased unattended. Do not agree to have a known gang member "keep an eye on your stuff" while you use the washroom.
6) Lock your purchases in the trunk of your car. If you drive a hatchback or the cargo area is otherwise visible, remove all items from the Apple Store bags and repack in clearly marked Walmart, Zellers or American Apparel bags.
7) Do not leave your children unattended in your vehicle. Not even for just a couple of hours. If you are unable to avoid this because you need to shop alone, give them the keys so they can listen to the radio or watch a DVD and start the car up occasionally to warm themselves. Park in a well-lit area. Remove both the front and rear licence plates so the car can't be traced back to you. This will buy you more time.
8) If you are still in possession of your car keys, have them in hand when you approach your vehicle. This will enable quick access to the vehicle and help you defend yourself against the children you abandoned hours earlier. If they are very angry, buy them ice cream and tell them Santa hates a rat.
9) When exiting the parking lot, be aware that you live in Vancouver, and you are now among the worst drivers on the planet.
10) Avoid driving into gun fights between rival gangs, even if you recognize one of the gang members as that guy you asked to watch your stuff while you went to the bathroom at the mall earlier. Do not dine at ironically named family restaurants.
11) Hydrate, but avoid eggnog that requires no refrigeration, and that has a stale date later than October, 2014.
12) Don't be fooled by panettone. It may look appetizing, but it's not that good.
13) If that dog eats any more of that tinsel, you're the one who's going to deal with it. Not me.
14) Watch out for giant sinkholes.
Have a safe and happy holiday season.
Stephen Quinn is the host of On the Coast on CBC Radio One in Vancouver, 88.1 FM and 690 AM.