With Halloween just a couple of days away, the pressure is on. You may even have a party to attend tonight – and no idea what to dress up as.
Fear not. I'm here to help with a few distinctly Vancouver costume suggestions – some more conceptual than others. There is something here for every budget, and something to offend just about everyone.
Build a realistic-looking single-family home out of cardboard. Stand inside it looking as smug as possible. Tell people you're a Vancouver homeowner.
Build a realistic-looking house out of cardboard – one with a basement suite. Put an Australian in the basement suite. Hold a bylaw violation notice and tell people you're an Airbnb host.
Build a realistic-looking house out of cardboard. Stand beside it. Hold a city document that shows a sizable fine. Tell people you're the vacant-home tax.
Build a house out of cardboard. Put a For Sale sign in front of it with a sticker that reads, "Price Reduced." Tell people you're the foreign-buyer tax.
Trace an outline of yourself on cardboard. Cut it out, paint it black and affix a stick at the midpoint. Occasionally spin it around. Tell people you're a shadow flipper.
Dress in regular street clothes and hold a rental agreement that expires on Nov. 1 with the phrase "termination clause" in large, bold letters. Look paranoid and insecure. Tell people you're a Vancouver renter.
Apply a fresh coat of paint to yourself. Hang a refurbished kitchen cabinet door and an IKEA light fixture around your neck and affix a sign to your back that reads, "Studio for Rent: $2,300." Tell people you're a renoviction.
Glue rubber rats and cockroaches to your entire body. Use makeup to apply bed-bug bites to all exposed flesh. Tell people you're an SRO.
Using hobby-store supplies, fashion a model of an empty lot surrounded by a temporary blue fence. Tell people you're 6,200 units of new affordable housing. When they ask where the housing is, tell them you're awaiting funding from senior levels of government.
Using a cardboard refrigerator box, build a model of a derelict high-rise hotel, complete with broken windows and a charred and crumbling exterior. Affix a ginger-coloured cat to the top of it. Tell people you're the Trump building in 2021.
Wear a paper hat and a chef coat and hand out impossibly minuscule portions of mostly mediocre food to people on checkered cardboard trays. Insist they pay you $20 for each tiny portion. Tell people you're a food truck.
Chug an intolerably hoppy India Pale Ale from a growler attached to your belt with an artisanal leather strap. Wear a tuque and a T-shirt from a local craft brewery. Refer to other people's beer as "total crap." Grow a large beard. Get a sleeve tattoo. Get wasted. Tell people you're a craft beer enthusiast.
Using shoulder straps, affix a cardboard podium to yourself with a Government of B.C. logo and the phrase Supporting Small Business displayed on the front. Stand beside the craft beer enthusiast. Pat them on the back. Tell people you're John Yap.
Cover yourself in dust, asbestos and bits of rubble. Have a professional makeup person apply convincing abrasions, scrapes and open wounds. Carry a child's back pack. Tell people you're a Vancouver public school student who miraculously survived an earthquake in a school not slated for a seismic upgrade until 2040.
Get together with eight friends. Look unhappy, dejected and litigious. Wear buttons that read, "I support public education." Fight among yourselves incessantly. Tell people you're the former Vancouver School Board.
Push your way through the party ignoring all social graces and rules of civilized behaviour. Wear giant headphones. Put your hair in a bun and be entitled. Tell people you're a Vancouver cyclist.
Push your way through the party knocking over as many people as possible in a way that maximizes injury. Be oblivious and unpredictable. Talk on the phone or text throughout. Affix a BMW/Audi/Range Rover/Porsche logo to your chest. Tell people you're a Vancouver driver.
Arrive to the party three hours late. Tell people you're a SkyTrain rider.
Stephen Quinn is the host of On the Coast on CBC Radio One, 88.1 FM and 690 AM in Vancouver.