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Take a retro text ride on a virtual SkyTrain

"TransLink and the Vancouver Regional Construction Association are appealing to all news media in Metro Vancouver to refrain from promoting a video that appears to advocate violent behaviour against SkyTrain employees and passengers."

TransLink Media Relations

You may have heard about the game – a crude shooting game with a construction worker taking out his bad day on fellow SkyTrain passengers.

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The game itself isn't worth talking about. It is crude not only in content but in design, which is reminiscent of the 8-bit console games of the mid-1980s.

I say, if you're going to go retro, go really retro.

And reflect a more realistic SkyTrain experience:

Welcome to S K Y T R A I N: The Text-Based Adventure Game. Type START to begin …

START

You are attempting to get home on the SkyTrain Expo line. It is 5:30 p.m. It is raining. You are at Stadium Station.

INVENTORY

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You have a debit card, a smart phone, a novel, a flashlight, a universal translator and a sword. Health is 100 per cent.

BUY TICKET

You have no cash.

USE DEBIT CARD.

The machine will not take debit cards.

USE DIFFERENT MACHINE

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All other machines are out of service.

FIND ATM

There is an ATM 1.5 blocks to the south. (Use arrow keys to move to ATM.) ATM charge is $3 per transaction.

GET CASH, RETURN TO STATION, BUY TICKET.

You now have a one-zone ticket. Press forward arrows to move to Fare Paid Zone.

BOARD TRAIN

There is no train.

WAIT FOR TRAIN

You may wait for train, but platform is becoming dangerously crowded. Use sword?

DO NOT USE SWORD.

A train has arrived.

BOARD TRAIN

You cannot board train. Train is too crowded.

PUSH WAY ONTO TRAIN

Train is too crowded. Wait for another train?

YES

Waiting … A second train has arrived.

PUSH WAY ONTO TRAIN (Press forward arrow key)

You are on the train.

MOVE TO VAST EMPTY SPACE BETWEEN DOORS WHERE NO ONE ELSE IS STANDING. (Left arrow key)

You are in the middle of the train. There is a window seat occupied only by a passenger's grocery bag.

ASK PASSENGER TO MOVE BAG.

The passenger cannot hear you.

TAP PASSENGER ON SHOULDER.

Passenger does not acknowledge you. Use flashlight?

NO. HOLD GRAB-RAIL.

Health is now at 70 per cent.

There is a man standing next to you eating poutine while watching an episode of Storage Wars on his phone.

MOVE AWAY.

You cannot move away. Train is now too crowded. Poutine man sneezes on your neck. Health is now 60 per cent.

FIND PURELL.

Purell is not in your inventory. Train has stopped mid-track. There is an announcement being made on the overhead speaker.

USE UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR.

Announcement only partially translated. "… system wide delays …"

GET OFF TRAIN.

You cannot get off train. Train is stopped mid-track between stations.

USE SWORD TO PRY OPEN DOORS.

Prying open the doors mid-track will result in a substantial fine and possible criminal charges. Do you still want to pry open doors?

NO.

The time is now 6:30. Train is slowly pulling into your station.

GET OFF TRAIN

Passengers boarding train will not allow you to exit.

PUSH PASSENGERS ASIDE AND GET OFF TRAIN.

You have been punched in the ribs. Health is now 40 per cent.

USE ESCALATOR TO LEAVE STATION.

You cannot use escalator. Escalator is under repair.

USE STAIRS

At the top of the stairs there are seven SkyTrain police officers checking fares. Officer asks you to produce ticket.

GET TICKET

You do not have ticket. Ticket was dropped on platform when you were punched in the ribs.

EXPLAIN TO OFFICER WHAT HAPPENED.

Officer does not believe you. Officer issues you $176 fine.

LEAVE STATION

You have left station.

***G A M E O V E R*** PLAY AGAIN?

NO.

Stephen Quinn is the host of On the Coast on CBC Radio One, 690 AM and 88.1 FM in Vancouver.

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