I am so tired of hearing millennials whine about not being able to live in Vancouver.
"I can't afford a place to live," or "I've been looking for months for a decent job" and "I left my growler in the car2go," are all common complaints bleeding out of the open windows of board-game-themed restaurants all over the east side.
Clearly, these are people who aren't looking hard enough.
Had any of them bothered to put their Cards Against Humanity games on hold for just a few minutes and pull out their phones, they might have noticed a Craigslist ad promising gainful employment as well as accommodation in a prime East Vancouver location.
There are a few catches.
"We require someone who is capable of working hard in a high-energy environment and remaining calm," reads the ad. So far, so good.
"Multitasking and cleaning is a huge part of the job, so you must love to clean." Maybe I don't love to clean – but I'm okay with it.
"This job is not all puppies and snuggling (although that does happen a lot :) )."
And it actually might – the posting is for an overnight attendant at a dog daycare, conveniently nestled between railway shunting yards on Industrial Avenue. If you've ever had your car towed, you've likely driven past it.
They are, according to the ad, "Very busy and open 7 days a week, 24 hours a day."
"You will need some day training in the daycare before you can move in as we want to make sure you're a right fit and feel comfortable with dogs, cats, pigs, reptiles. We care for every animal!"
The ad continues: "We have a set-up, upstairs with own room and kitchen. Working five nights a week from 8 p.m. - 6 a.m. for $800 a month plus free rent."
Let me do the math: a 50-hour work week for $800 a month works out to four dollars an hour.
But free rent! The poster was good enough to provide pictures of the bedroom (but not the kitchen.) It can be described as makeshift at best, with unfinished drywall, a distressed (not in a good way) bare plywood floor, and faux apple crates affixed to a wall as shelving. On the upside, there is a flat-screen TV, which I assume is console-game compatible.
Oh, wait – it looks like you have to sleep with the dogs: "Bed and TV in the dog overnight room for staff to sleep with the dogs during the night."
It's not clear whether the bedroom in the picture is the same room where the dogs also bunk down. But it may explain the stains on the plywood.
How much sleep you actually get may also be in question.
"The position entails the night crew monitor the overnight dogs and attend to any after-hours dogs. Our doors are locked and parents text when outside to pick up and drop off."
Because people with dogs are "parents."
But look, if the dogs don't keep you up with their dog needs, and dog parents aren't texting at all hours to pick up and drop off their offspring, you're pretty much getting paid four bucks an hour to sleep. That's pretty sweet. Unless, you know, the trains.
The ad concludes with a request for information: "What city you live in. Why you want to work with dogs. What kind of dog you would be and why?"
Hmm, that last one is hard. I don't know much about dog breeds but is there one that isn't prone to being taken advantage of in desperate times? Is there a breed that has a shred of dignity? One that won't fetch for less than half of minimum wage? Is there a breed that looks at this ad and lets out an incredulous Scooby-Doo-style interrogative yelp?
If you're that dog, I'd suggest that this isn't the job for you.