gable
Warren Clements' annual retelling of the year’s news, set to your favourite Christmas carols:
Once in royal Saudi circles
Came an absolute denial,
Then a milder false construction,
Tears as from a crocodile,
Telling, in tones widely jeered,
How Khashoggi disappeared.
See world leaders duck and parry
As they struggled to respond.
Sales in billions to the Saudis
Made them willing to be conned.
See that first composure crack.
Facts too horrid to walk back.
Rude Don, the orange-haired raider,
Had a bone to pick with trade.
Threatened to tear up NAFTA
If the pact was not remade.
“I’ll institute more tariffs
If you disagree with me.
Canada is a threat to
National security.”
With the midterms in the air,
Parleys stretched all night.
Rude Don’s bluster got somewhere.
Farmers lost some market share.
Also erased was “NAFTA.”
Now it’s U-S-M-C-A.
Pity we weren’t put first, though.
CAMUS has a real cachet.
We whisked you some marijuana,
The flora without the fauna.
It’s legal, so if you wanna,
Feel free to inhale.
Some regions insist
You buy through the mail.
We hope with the postal ruckus
Your leaves won’t be stale.
It’s tough to know ev’ry rule, though,
So hope you know someone who’ll know
How much of the product you’ll grow
Without courting jail.
Good timing starts now.
If you smoked last year,
Just hope Santa brings a pardon.
The path isn’t clear.
Oh brittle tone of border guards.
How will they see us lie?
Insist we’ve not ingested pot,
So please just wave us by.
The rules are rather muddy,
So just amend the truth.
Please let us in, our only sin
Is gin mixed with vermouth.
Dig Doug merrily on high.
Doug Ford’s Ontario’s premier.
“What a powerhouse am I.
No cat has had it creamier.”
To-o-ry in extremis daily.
To-o-ry in extremis daily.
“Poof! Toronto council’s shrunk.
Just let them try to stop it.
Consultation is a bunk.
I tell my critics, ‘Hop it!’”
To-o-ry in extremis daily.
To-o-ry in extremis daily.
"Trudeau, though, gets up my nose.
He does what guys on high do:
Thinks of rules he can impose.
Hey, buddy, that’s what I do.”
To-o-ry, in extremis daily.
To-o-ry, in extremis daily.
Dock the hauls of low-wage workers.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
More paid sick days? They’re just shirkers.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Ford says raises hurt employers.
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
“Living wages just annoy us.”
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Oh, the withering tone is frightful
And Kavanaugh is spiteful,
But whatever the hearings show,
Brett’s a go, Brett’s a go, Brett’s a go.
Doesn’t matter what he might tell them.
The Republicans’ goals propel them.
They’re intent on a right-wing court.
Cut it short, cut it short, cut it short.
When Christine Ford testified,
The Republicans’ minds snapped tight.
They were already well onside
With a judge who would back the right.
Oh, with rants that made most folks fearful
And admissions he liked a beerful,
Brett was welcomed into the fold.
In he strolled, in he strolled, in he strolled.
Get rescued, many young Thai men
Whose plight aroused dismay.
A massive effort saw them freed
Before they passed away.
Logistics were incredible
And divers saved the day.
Oh, tide’s in, quick measures to deploy.
Who’s a brave boy?
Oh, timing brought comfort and joy.
The fierce “no oil”
Alberta did hear
Came from B.C. opponents.
“It’s oil spills we fear.”
The builder scrapped
Its pi-ipeline plans,
Leaving Trudeau to say,
“Then we’ll buy out the Trans.”
No oil. Yes, oil.
No oil. Yes, oil.
One says forge on
And the other says foil.
The next “no oil”
Ms. Notley decreed
Meant producers had limits
They couldn’t exceed.
And to the price
It gave a quick boost,
’Cause at times the free market
Just needs to be goosed.
Oh, oil. Oh, oil.
Oh, oil. Oh, oil.
Oil is a fuel with the power to embroil.
On the sext day of Crass-mas,
We heard Tony Cle-ment
Tell of rude photos,
Lessened inhibitions,
Tempted indiscretions,
No sign of caution,
Hate when this happens,
Send pics regardless,
Sexts for extortion,
Find… horrid… stings.
Forgot to say
He’d done this
Too many times,
So a parting from his par-ty.
Boss P. the Strongman,
Was a scary Russian sphinx.
Murder poisonous. No, it wasn’t us.
We don’t care what Britain thinks.
“What do you know, man?
It’s conjecture through and through.
Sure, you’ve seen my guys, but my guys aren’t spies.
They are tourists. Yes, that’s true.”
There may have been some evil
When those “tourists” came to town,
But when the British raised a fuss
Mr. Putin doubled down.
Boss P. the Strongman
Simply shrugs and bids foes ill.
It’s another day, brushing lies away.
Pass the vodka and just chill.
Mark, the Facebook wrangler, sings:
Sorry for those awkward things.
Postings faked, elections skewed –
Yes, that was a wee bit rude.
We’ll take steps to be much tougher:
Use a fact squad, raise a buffer.
So there is no earthly cause
To impose unseemly laws.
Keep on posting, show you care.
Share your secrets. Click right there.
I’m dreaming of a Black Panther,
Crazy Rich Asians and still more.
Where the heroes might win
Without a white skin
And crowds will line up at the door.
I’m dreaming of a new template
Where Wonder Woman is the norm.
May the backers open their purse
And may all your progress be diverse.