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The following is a list of incorrect sports predictions, which I write fully expecting to be correct. Every single one of them. I believe that strongly. For now. I'll believe something different in a year's time.

If I had money, I'd bet it on all of this to happen exactly as it's written down here. Since I don't have any money, I urge you to do so instead. Borrow if you have to. You will not (but definitely will) be disappointed.

The Leafs make the playoffs

This will happen because it's the worst-case scenario going forward. Toronto squeaks into the post-season, having somehow scored more goals than shots taken. The Leafs should be dry-pressed by the Lightning or the Penguins, but they end up winning a round. This unlikely success seals a very mediocre team in the disorienting amber of phony progress. Unable to cut the bottom out of the boat and dare everyone to swim, the Leafs do the easy thing – nothing. They remain trapped in this not-good-but-not-bad-either cycle for the next decade.

The Canadiens win the Stanley Cup

There's only one way to make the preceding hurt more. This is it.

The Oilers pass on Connor McDavid

Because where has doing the sensible thing gotten Edmonton? Nowhere. It's time for the Oilers to borrow from the Silicon Valley playbook and begin disrupting the NHL. Take Jack Eichel first over all. Then cut everyone else and replace them with skating bears. It works in Russia.

The Raptors take two rounds in the playoffs

This one is so feasible there's no way it can happen. It would be dangerous to get used to nice things. There is one team in the Eastern Conference the Raptors cannot conceivably beat in a seven-game series – Chicago. The Bulls are going to the NBA Finals. But that gives Toronto two rounds to slap around the other weaklings in the East. For entirely selfish reasons, I would prefer those two to be Miami and Washington (for the lobby bars of the South Beach Days Inn and the Jefferson, respectively). Which means it will turn out to be Orlando and Atlanta (for the … actually, it's best not to wander outside in those cities).

Canada wins the 2015 Women's World Cup

Canada is a creaky team coming off an iffy year. We were one of the early powers in women's soccer, but the world's caught up. Our contemporaries – the U.S., Germany, France, Japan – keep getting better. Realistically, the semis, or maybe even the quarters, should be the limits of Canada's home-field ambition. But you could have said the same thing about this same team at the Olympics, and they were this close to a gold-medal game. Winning the world's premier sports tournament would give the country its greatest release of patriotic endorphins since the 1972 Summit Series. First we win the World Cup, then we occupy the North Pole, and then we colonize the moon.

The Blue Jays finally implode

This team has picked up a lot of forward momentum over the last few years, without ever having sighted a destination. You can feel the beginnings of the speed wobble. First, the curious case of unnamed Rogers exec(s) trying to torpedo team president Paul Beeston, who'd already said he was going to leave. I'm not sure which is worse – a failed coup, or a successful one that would've happened anyway. Seems like a lot of wasted effort. As yet, they haven't done nearly enough to bolster the starting pitching or the bullpen. There are still plenty of positional holes. It's all starting to feel forlorn. This team should be competitive in the dreary American League East, but it's two months until the start of spring training, and you can already feel the winds of change blowing in.

Las Vegas gets its NHL team

Which is the signal for the rest of us to give up. Mammon is winning every day in every way, but usually quietly. He rarely makes such a show of himself. That this idea is being seriously entertained is an almost satiric illustration of how far the NHL has wandered off the path of good sense. Have you been to Las Vegas? While there, has it occurred to you that you'd rather stop having fun with everyone else at the casino and toodle off to some shabby meat locker to watch depressing expansion hockey with 400 or 500 embarrassed Canadian rubes? No. It has not. Because you can do that at home. When this thing implodes – as it is absolutely certain to do – one can only hope the franchise folds immediately after winning the championship that eludes Toronto. Because that would be karmically delicious.

Everyone gets really into rugby

It's hard out there for the sports hipster. Used to be you could stand out by cultivating a rootless and inexplicable obsession with Leyton Orient or Kaizer Chiefs or professional Kabaddi. Now all those odd slots are filling up with other contrary dudes who also love telling people they're "over" hockey. Most of them are socially awkward beardos and suspiciously good at math. Expect thousands of them to flock into the relatively uninhabited viewing territory of September's Rugby World Cup. That's good news. There's not much that beats watching rugby played at this level. However, if one of these newbies starts lecturing you on the real history of the haka, feel free to punch him in the face.

A Canadian wins a tennis singles major

It should be Eugenie Bouchard. She plays amid the chaos of the women's game, where anyone can – and usually does – win events they really shouldn't. That's the safe bet. So I'll take Milos Raonic, who has to climb over three of the greatest players of all time in every meaningful tournament. Raonic victories, in descending order of likelihood – Wimbledon, Australian Open, U.S. Open, French. If Raonic wins the French Open, I'll mow your lawns for a year. All of them. Sure, Raonic is essentially a serving machine encased in flesh. But he's a serving machine with heart.

Australia wins the Ashes

It doesn't matter that you understand what this means. Just oblige me by concentrating your mental energy on this happening.

At least 90 per cent of this is wrong

I have a good feeling about this one.

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